


Old Threads

by Alyas_Alias



Series: Ukitake Juushiro x Onmitsukido!Reader [3]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Dissociation, F/M, Reader Insert, Ukitake Siblings - Freeform, reader has anxiety, trigger warning: suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 00:16:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18954019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alyas_Alias/pseuds/Alyas_Alias
Summary: Awkward moments, a treasured haori, and coaxing a dissociative [Name] back to reality.





	Old Threads

**Author's Note:**

> -I’ve been working on some of the more serious installments for this series and I decided I needed a break from all the serious, hit-me-in-the-feels, plot-y stuff. As I write this only “Tattoos” and “Omamori no Kami” have been published…but I’ve been flitting back and forth in the series, working on more serious installments both in the past and future of Juu and [Name]’s relationship. I was Dr. Strange looking at a million possible futures and timelines; I’m exhausted and want something fluffy.  
> -I’ve had this sort of scenario in my head since I first wrote the “Tattoos” installment. Whenever I mentioned the two of them having awkward moments together even before they were an item this is the kind of scenario I had in mind.  
> -As I post this I realize this installment got a little out of hand. I wanted to write fluff…what I got was something a bit heavier than I expected and much longer than I intended.
> 
> What you need to know:  
> -[Name] led the Ukitake family to Mimihagi’s shrine when Juushiro was first stricken with consumption. I imagine the true shrine was hidden/lost to memory even if some people worshipped Mimihagi. If too many people saw what Mimihagi looked like I think more people would have known about it than what happened in canon.  
> -[Name] was taken in by the Ukitake clan, officially as a ward, when she displayed some spirit energy. They took her in to streamline the process that allowed her to enter the academy, partially as a way to thank her for saving Juushiro’s life all those years ago.  
> -for this installment Juushiro is in his final year at the academy or so and [Name] is up to four years behind him.  
> -it’s canon that those that graduate from the academy don’t have to go straight into the Gotei 13. They may apply to the Gotei 13, the Kido Corps, or the Onmitsukido but I’m pretty sure they’re not obligated to join any of these things. I read somewhere that the guy that runs the sunglasses store Renji frequents was a former reaper. My headcanon is that working for the big three is expected, but there’s nothing stopping someone from deciding they want to be a shop-keeper out in Rukon that has a zanpakuto.  
> -I’ve taken the liberty of naming and fleshing out Juushiro’s siblings. The wiki pages I went to only said that he was the oldest of eight children, two of which were daughters. So here’s how I imagine the Ukitake sibling line-up:  
> -Juushiro  
> -Eiji (second son)  
> -Sen (oldest daughter)  
> -Daisuke (part of the Suke-trio)  
> -Yosuke (one of the Suke-trio)  
> -Sousuke (one of the Suke-trio)  
> -Hina (second daughter, name means ‘doll’)  
> -Hatori (has the kanji for eight in his name to denote that he’s the eighth child)  
> -I haven’t decided if any of these siblings are multiples or their approximate ages yet. For this installment, Hina is probably no older than 8 years old and still very child-like. Which means that Hatori is younger than that  
> -the Ukitake’s are nobles and this installment takes place over two centuries before present-day, so when I refer to “bath” in here it’s not some sort of tub or even a wooden basin I imagine. I think the Ukitake family has their own onsen, hot spring bathing chamber. Made of natural stone/rock (even if it was all assembled by someone’s hands). Also, to my knowledge how bathing works in Japanese culture is that one scrubs themselves down/gets cleaned outside of the tub and the tub is just for soaking and relaxing. The bathing chambers, as I imagine them are basically a room beyond a room. From the veranda overlooking the grounds you enter a small room with a shelf and a laundry hamper—this room is kept dry to disrobe and change into new clothes etc. the bathing chamber beyond that has the stone onsen and a clear area off to one’s right upon entering with a few basins/buckets to wash themselves before sliding into the hotspring.  
> -Reika and Sakura are [Name]’s friends and classmates.

Pale feet pad quietly along the veranda of Ugendo. Juushiro is recovering from a week-long confinement to his bed. His fever broke earlier today and he decided a soak in the bath was long overdue.

            It’s late. The rest of the household should be asleep at this hour. Even the carp in their family pond are drifting, asleep in their watery home. After hours of lying awake, restless, Juushiro decided to gather up his bathing supplies and head to the baths. He has a week’s worth of sweat and sickness clinging to him. They wiped him down once in a while but nothing compares to a bath and a good, long soak in some hot water.

            His family members usually bathed together—males with males and females with females. They may be minor nobility, but outside of the public eye they are just a close-knit family. From family dinners and sharing stories about their days to having no-holds-barred splash-wars in the baths (for the males)—their family is as silly as they are noble.

The women aren’t above a bit of fun either. Juushiro distinctly remembers his sisters coming out of the bath one day, each with their hair dripping wet and styled into something silly. A shark fin for little Hina; some silly over-the-top curly mess for his mother, and Sen plodded out of the baths looking like something out of a horror novel. The Suke-trio hailed her as ‘the drowned goddess of a thousand nightmares’ for weeks afterwards (much to her ire).

Juushiro loves the precious moments he gets with his family, knowing that they are few and far-between with his bouts of illness. There will probably be fewer opportunities for him to spend time with his family as the years go on. He’s going to graduate soon and live in the barracks of the _Gotei 13_. Thinking about that makes him a little sad. It’s moments like these, when he misses out on opportunities to spend with his family, that he curses his illness.

This time he missed out on a full week of family festivities, being bedridden and all that. He’s sure his family visited him, but he has no recollection of it. He was told that [Name] and Shunsui spent time with him, but he wasn’t in the right state to remember that either or participate in any conversations. They ate meals with him, fed him broth, and read to him. He wishes his fever had broken just a few hours sooner. He could have joined his brothers in the bath and would have welcomed their teasing of mismatched carpet and drapes if it meant he had someone to talk to.

Juushiro finally arrives at the baths. He puts his hand on the wooden frame of the sliding door and slides it open as quietly as he can, closing his eyes against the gloom he feels at having to bathe alone. A light floral scent wafts over him. The girls must have been the last to use the bath tonight.

“Ah!”

Juushiro finally opens his eyes, alarmed at the distinctly feminine voice that called out. He feels his face heat and it’s definitely not his fever returning to him.

[Name] is standing in the room before him, clutching a _yukata_ to her chest to preserve some sense of modesty.

“S-Sorry!” Juushiro exclaims and side-steps behind the door, facing outward. He slides the door shut in a hurry and wills himself to calm down, to stop the blood from rushing to his head and coloring his face.

He thought for sure everybody would be asleep at this hour. [Name] rarely ever joins the rest of the family for baths, often having to be dragged when his mother decides her hair needs some TLC. He thought she would have been done and asleep at this hour though, regardless if she had bathed with his siblings or not. He knows she sometimes is out until late, practicing her _kido_ and other skills that leave her ragged and covered in dirt and leaves. He knows she sometimes slips into the baths for a midnight soak after such training sessions.

Juushiro worries at his lip, wondering whether or not he should return to his room or stay behind to apologize. Is she going in or out? If he caught her as she was disrobing for the bath he’ll have a while to wait. It’s a warm night, but it’s still easy to catch a chill if you sit outside for too long. Heading back to his room without saying anything seems rude though. As he wrestles with these thoughts the door slides open a bit and [Name] peeks out. If Juushiro weren’t so caught up in his own embarrassment he’d note the pink tinge coloring a line under her eyes and over the bridge of her nose.

“I-I-It’s alright. I was on my way out.” [Name] stutters out an explanation and steps off to the side, gesturing at Juushiro to enter the baths.

Juushiro quickly slips into the changing area and slides the door shut. He disrobes in a hurry. Tossing his clothes in the hamper and setting the basket of clean clothes in the provided shelf, he pads over to the sliding doors on the far end of the room leading to the bathing chamber.

He makes quick work scrubbing himself down, longing to get into the warm water and hoping it will wash away the embarrassment he feels and the situation. He slips into the bath and lets himself continue to sink until the top of his head is submerged. He closes his eyes and lets himself sit there, completely submerged, until his lungs scream for air. He breaks the surface of the water and takes a deep breath of warm, humid air as he feels himself slowly calm down. A slight shuffling sound registers in his ears from behind him. Juushiro leans back against the side of the bath, knowing exactly what the source of the shuffling is.

“[Name], you should go to bed.”

“I’ll stay here for a bit.”

“You’ll catch a chill. Your hair’s still wet, isn’t it? Go to bed.”

“I’m fine. The outer door is closed.” Juushiro can tell that there’s something she’s not saying; but he doesn’t want her to catch cold over something she hasn’t yet figured out how to put words to.

“It’s late. You’ve been practicing all day, haven’t you? Go to bed.”

“I’m staying. I wouldn’t be able to take a bath ever again if I wake up to hear that you passed out and drowned in there.” The words are said in jest, but both know it’s a very real threat considering Juushiro’s condition. Juushiro lets out a sigh, realizing he’s not going to win this one.

“Fine. There’s a _haori_ in the basket. Put it on if you’re going to stay.”

 

Just outside of the sliding door, [Name] tentatively goes through the basket containing Juushiro’s change of clothes. She locates the sky-grey _haori_ and slips it on, feeling herself calm down as she draws her knees up to her chin, leaning against the sliding door to the bathing chambers. She had hoped the bath would calm her down, but all it did was clear her mind of everything but the thing she was agonizing over. It’s why she doesn’t want to go to bed right now. If she lets herself be alone with her one thought she’ll just end up frustrated and feeling crappy.

Juushiro is silent inside the bath. She knows that he’s only about two feet beyond the door; he’d hear if she started putting her anxieties into words.

“Still conscious in there?” She decides that staying silent won’t help matters. She needs to talk, about anything, and maybe what she really wants to say to him will come if she just keeps talking. She hears a chuckle from the other side and it further relaxes her hearing his voice.

“Yup.” Juushiro doesn’t press her for answers.

He knows there’s something on her mind and that it’s why she chose to stay. She’s run into a problem and she’s no doubt been agonizing over it on her own for a long time. She’s always been like that. It was like that when they offered to take her in to make her academy application process go smoother a few years ago.

Juushiro had received notice that Yamamoto Genryusai, the founder of the Shin’o Academy, had taken a shine to him and offered to take him on as an apprentice. The entire Ukitake family was overjoyed at the news and he decided he wanted to pay proper respects to Mimihagi for getting him to that point. Leaving his siblings who knew nothing of the ancient deity, Juushiro and his parents traveled to the 78th district to pay their respects at Mimihagi’s shrine.

They ran into [Name] on their way there, having gotten lost trying to look for a shrine that was not on any map. She was leading a band of small children. Apparently, they were all orphans, their original “families” having been eaten by Hollows. [Name] had gathered the children and brought them to the shrine. They lived around Mimihagi’s shrine, leaving him offerings and keeping the place free of ivy and other gross things, occasionally sleeping under the shelter of the shrine when the weather was bad.

The orphans thought it was just bad luck that their families were attacked by Hollow. [Name] blamed herself but kept it hidden. She suspected that the Hollow were after her. The Lord and Lady of the Ukitake clan decided to explain to her about spirit pressure. They had to break the news to her that the children would not be safe with her looking after them. The power of Mimihagi may have kept the Hollows from attacking the shrine, but if they were to wander out of the area of Mimihagi’s protection they would be targeted (some already had been). Not only that, but if a Hollow were strong enough to challenge Mimihagi, the children and all of the people that relied on Mimihagi for their livelihood would be in danger—people like Juushiro.

Juushiro and his parents were planning on staying for a few days. His parents were considering taking [Name] with them, but they wanted her to be the one to make the decision. Juushiro got to see first-hand how she handled having that on her mind.

She put on a mask in front of the children and never let it show that she was agonizing over something. She never let them know that she was the reason that they had all been attacked by Hollows at some point. She didn’t say anything to anyone until the final night.

Juushiro and his parents would be leaving the next day, with or without her, because he had to get back in time to attend classes. Juushiro found her that night, the moonlight glinting off of her cheeks that were wet with tears. He could see her mask slipping. She revealed her uncertainties to him, her wish to protect the children and her fear of leaving all that she had known. He calmed her that night and helped her figure out what her next step should be.

What would become of the children was background noise. Fear of the unknown life ahead of her was background noise. He remembers covering her eyes with a hand, telling her to close her eyes and find the root of her anxieties without all of the background noise trying to drown out and hide what she must do.

The only step forward was to learn to control her _reiatsu_. The Hollows were attacking because of her spirit pressure. The children were being hurt because the Hollows were drawn to her spirit pressure. She was afraid because she didn’t know how to control it or what her life would look like if she learned control. In her mind it was either leave everything she had known on the chance that she could learn to control her power; or drown herself in one of the many puddles around the shrine so that she could die in familiar surroundings. Her puddle-gazing over their entire trip suddenly became a terrifying thought.

It was decided after that night. [Name] needed a permanent address to apply to the academy with. The location of Mimihagi’s shrine, the true shrine, wasn’t exactly common knowledge…nor did it have an address. The academy accepted applicants from Rukon, but “thirty minutes east-ish of the last house, through a grove of trees…not the one that you think, down a thicket of bushes, and twenty minutes north of a broken statue” probably wouldn’t cut it on the address line.

Juushiro and [Name] stood before the Lord and Lady of the Ukitake house the next morning, neither having slept a wink and [Name]’s eyes were still red from crying. The elders only welcomed them both with hugs and ushered them into the carriage departing for Ugendo.

Juushiro knows all too well that [Name] tends to keep things to herself until she reaches her breaking point. He’s tried to get her to open up before she reaches it, but so far, he has been unsuccessful. She agonized about whether or not she’d be accepted for so long that when the acceptance letter finally arrived in the mail she passed out from relief and exhaustion.

She came close to being disciplined on her first day at the academy when she fell asleep during Genryusai’s welcoming speech. It was thanks to Juushiro’s testimony that she had stayed up for four days straight worrying about her first day that she was let off the hook with a warning.

Juushiro knows the signs. [Name] shuts herself off from everybody, becomes withdrawn during conversations, and goes about her day distracted by whatever problem she is mulling over. He and Shunsui have stopped her from walking straight into the koi pond a few times on their way home from classes when she was worried about keeping up in a particular class or stressing over an exam. Juushiro would pick up on the subtle signs that [Name]’s head was elsewhere, but Shunsui had a more direct method of figuring out if [Name] was worrying over something and he used it on the way home right before Juushiro fell ill. When Shunsui came away without singed palms for grabbing [Name]’s butt, both of them knew she was stressing over something. Juushiro meant to talk to her about it that night but he developed a fever and was out of commission for a week.

He wonders if she’s still agonizing over the same thing and that’s why she’s sitting outside the bath, exuding “I really need to talk to somebody”-vibes.

“Say…Juushiro…” [Name] trails off but Juushiro knows better than to open his mouth and cause her to clam up. “What was it like…awakening a _zanpakuto_?”

Juushiro bites his lower lip, his own nervous habit, as he tries to figure out what [Name] is agonizing over and what he can say to her to alleviate some of it. He decides to go with the truth as he doesn’t think he has enough information to narrow down what she’s thinking about.

“It started with dreams,” Juushiro thinks back, lost in the memory of how he discovered his constant companion. “I’d dream I was in the ocean. It was always the same place. I could breathe despite being under water. Nothing hurt, there was no sickness. It was beautiful.” He smiles, remembering the inner world where he felt strong and at peace, not fettered by consumption. “Eventually, there were two fish that tried to talk to me in that ocean.” Juushiro slaps a palm to his forehead, wincing at the wet slap it makes. He didn’t think it would sound so dumb spoken out loud. “I didn’t know it then, but they were my _zanpakuto_. It took a while, but they told me their name…names? One day during sparring practice I felt this overwhelming build up of spirit energy and the next thing I knew the _asauchi_ in my hands had become two swords. I knew it was them instantly.” Juushiro smiles fondly at the memory.

He wasn’t alone when he awakened his _zanpakuto_. He and Shunsui were sparring with Genryusai when it happened. Shunsui had two swords in-hand too and Genryusai decided that they could call it a day at that point. Shunsui was a motor-mouth on the way home, sharing disconnected stories of the dreams he had been having of a beautiful woman. Juushiro never figured out if he was talking about a _zanpakuto_ dream or one of his usual R-rated ones. All he cared was that his friend was happy and super animated so he tried his best to listen. He told Shunsui he had dreams too, but he never told him about the talking fish. Mentioning that little tidbit would have earned him a hand on the forehead, a concerned look, and a one-way trip to the mental ward.

[Name] hugs her knees closer to herself. She enjoyed Juushiro’s story, but it didn’t help quell her fears. If anything, it confirmed some of them.

“[Name]?” Juushiro can still see her silhouette against the door. He knows she’s still there, but her silence worries him. Did she fall asleep? Is she crying?

“We were presented with _asauchi_ last week,”

Juushiro leans back in the bath, closing his eyes to listen to [Name]’s voice. He tries to glean what he can from listening, thinking he may be able to figure out the root of her anxiety if he listens well enough.

“Some people got theirs to change immediately after touching it. They called out weird names and suddenly the _asauchi_ wasn’t an _asauchi_ anymore.” [Name] shifts, burying her face in her knees and letting the fabric of her _yukata_ absorb the tears welling up in her eyes. “Reika got hers to change today and Sakura’s been having weird dreams where a voice calls out to her.”

“There’s no timeframe, [Name]. Some members of the _Gotei 13_ haven’t managed to manifest a _zanpakuto_ yet.” Juushiro is starting to understand what [Name] is worried about.

“What if I’m the only one? What if I’m the one idiot that doesn’t have a _zanpakuto_? Reika has hers. What if I fall behind?” Juushiro can hear the sadness in her voice and the way her breath hitches.

“What’s the point of me being here? Why did I leave Rukon? I was supposed to get the hang of this. I was supposed to figure out how to control my freaky-ass Hollow-attraction powers,” Juushiro winces at the language but knows better than to comment. “I was supposed to learn to stop being a danger to everyone around me. I was supposed to learn how to kill Hollows. _Kido_ isn’t enough to kill Hollows—not at this level. I’m just a no-talent coward that didn’t have the guts to drown myself in those puddles that night. What am I doing here…Juu- _chan_?”

That does it. With the sound of sloshing water Juushiro is up and out of the bath. Her broken cry of his childhood nickname was the spark that lit a fire under him to do something. His friend is crying two feet from him on the other side of a paper-thin door and he will be damned if he lets that continue.

“You’re here because you’re meant to be.” [Name] looks up, shocked that Juushiro’s voice isn’t muffled like it was before.

Juushiro stands in the door to the bathing chambers, having pulled the sliding door open to behold [Name] sitting, curled up, beside the door. Tears stream down her face, matching the water droplets dripping from his bangs as they look each other in the eye. Their eye contact is broken when [Name] looks down at her knees, ashamed of her outburst. Juushiro lowers himself until he’s crouching next to her. He reaches out a hand and pinches her chin between his thumb and forefinger, gently turning her face so that she’ll look at him again.

“Joining the _Gotei_ and protecting people isn’t the only path available to you, [Name]. Everyone hears the hero stories, but a vast majority of applicants end up as unseated officers. The _Gotei_ is made out to be some grand calling. It’s not. People that join thinking they’ll have the power to save everyone soon get disappointed, if they don’t get killed first. Someone that joins with the intention of protecting the district they came from may wind up cast out for insubordination. You point your sword when they want you to at what they want you to point it at. What the _Gotei_ wants to protect may not coincide with what you want to protect. Awakening a _zanpakuto_ doesn’t mean you’ll be able to defend the kids against Hollow. They’ll continue to be drawn to you.” Juushiro hardens his gaze, hoping what he says next will drive away [Name]’s anxieties.

“The three organizations— _Gotei, Kido, Onmitsu_ —are not the only options. You’re not obligated to join the big three. Mother and father didn’t bring you here expecting you to go into one of the three. They brought you here to control your _reiatsu_. What you do after learning that control is up to you. Some graduates are content taking their knowledge and going out to open a shop somewhere. If you become good at healing _kido_ you could find yourself in service to a noble house somewhere. If your passion is knowledge there are plenty of people that need another set of hands or someone to analyze the mysteries of _kido_ , the Dangai, and whatever else. Opening a sweets shop and protecting it against robbers with what you’ve learned is an honest profession. Stepping in to defend the people in front of you when you haven’t been ordered to is admirable. You don’t need a uniform to protect people. You don’t need orders to act. You don’t need a _zanpakuto_ to be a hero.”

Feeling like he got his message across, Juushiro releases [Name]. She wipes her eyes on her knees but brings her head back up to offer him a small smile.

“T-Thank’s for that…Juu- _chan_. I…I don’t know why I let it get to me. I-I mean…I do know why. Reika got her _zanpakuto_ and it looks like Sakura will awaken hers soon. They’re probably going to join the _Gotei_ …a-and you’ve already been accepted so when you graduate…” [Name] trails off, wiping at her eyes with her fingers. “I-It’s stupid. I just feel like I’m being left behind. You’re all going to be great. You’re going off and joining the _Gotei_. What if I can’t catch up to you? What if that’s the end of it?”

“Silly goose,” Juushiro ruffles [Name]’s hair. “Nobody’s leaving you behind. Joining the _Gotei_ doesn’t mean we’ll never see you again. Officers get days off. Even the _Onmitsukido_ have lives outside of their duties. They’re allowed to go home. They’re allowed to go out into town to visit shops and whatnot. Whether you wind up in one of the big three or choose to open a sweets shop out in Rukon, we’ll still be your friends and we’ll still come to see you.” [Name] wipes her eyes and glares at Juushiro playfully.

“Why the fixation on sweets? Maybe I wanna open a sunglasses shop.” Juushiro laughs at her random suggestion, raising his hands in surrender.

“Many apologies, Queen of Shades. I only thought that it’d be a crime to rob the general public of your sweets.”

“Oh? Such as?” [Name] is being coy now.

She knows her sweets are good. It’s one of the few skills she’s actually proud of in her steadily-growing arsenal. Ever since coming to Ugendo as a ward she’s been doing her best to help out around the place. Working with the maids and cooks was her way of earning her keep. She developed a talent for making sweets. _Ohagi_ , _mochi, daifuku_ —there’s an underground market of food-trading that happens at the academy whenever there are sweets in Juushiro’s lunch.

Juushiro had to learn to guard his _bento_ carefully, lest his friends snag his dessert before he has a chance of figuring out what delicacy [Name] attempted that day. He’s lucky they live together; there were some days Shunsui snagged his dessert from under his nose.  Luckily, it was only _dango_ that time. If it had been _ohagi_ he’d probably need a new best friend. He knows [Name] feels the same way about _daifuku_ , always making extra to share with her friends so that she can enjoy her own share.

“Don’t say _ohagi_ —you’re bias when it comes to that one.” [Name] snaps, shutting down Juushiro’s go-to dessert. She’s tried her hand at countless desserts in her time here and knows Juushiro never really figured out the names to everything she made.

“There was this one…it was recent. Some sort of sweet-ginger broth.”

“Ah! _Tangyuan_. I made that a few days ago! You remember it?” Juushiro shrugs, flushing a bit at the fact that he remembered something sweet and nothing else during that time. “I thought you were way out of it. Your fever was pretty high.”

He remembered a sweet broth coating his lips followed by the heat of ginger. It was comforting, warming him from the inside when he felt like he had been dunked in an ice-bath (a result of the temperature difference between his body and his surroundings).

“You were sick so I was only allowed to give you some of the broth. It’s something new I heard about. Apparently, it’s popular in China in the World of the Living. Figuring out the ratio of ginger to sugar for the broth took a bit of experimentation. And the first couple of _Tangyuan_ kinda fell apart. It was slightly disgusting but it tasted alright.”

[Name] is rambling. When it comes to sweets she can go on for a long time about techniques, special ingredients, places of origin, etc. Juushiro doesn’t mind, he likes sweets too, in a different context (eating them). [Name] is confident about something and it took a while for her to develop the courage to talk about sweets and a bit of time after that for her to show how proud she was of her craft.

“Uhm…s-speaking of things in soup…y-you should probably get back into the bath.”

Juushiro flushes as he realizes their positions—more specifically, his state of undress. Grabbing a hand-towel from the basket he tosses it over his waist in an effort to preserve some sense of modesty.

“I-I think I’m going to get dressed now.”

[Name] nods and gets up, padding out of the dressing room and sliding the front door shut behind her without a word. Once outside she closes her eyes and tries to let the cool night air calm her blush for her.

“Juu- _chan_? Why’d you choose the _Gotei_?” [Name] calls through the door, trying to banish the awkward situation from their minds. It would be terribly awkward walking back to their rooms together if the awkward situation was the only thing on their minds.

“Hmm?”

“You seem to have a lot of issues about them and their system of order. Not being able to save someone because the order wasn’t given and all that. Why did you apply, even knowing all of that?”

“Everyone sees me as a favorite to enter the _Gotei_ as a seated officer. I may not agree with their system, but maybe I can work toward a better one once I’m in it. I was thinking I’d try my hand in it and see how far I could go.  Besides, it’s a stable profession with decent wages.” The door to the baths opens and Juushiro steps out, now clad in a moss-green _yukata_ with a navy-blue _obi_. “I will eventually be the fourteenth head of the Ukitake clan. I’ve got to support it somehow.” His smile is kind and it causes [Name]’s mind to go blank for a second.

“R-Right—your _haori_!” [Name] moves to shuck off the article of clothing and return it to Juushiro, but he holds up a hand to stop her.

“It’s chilly tonight. Leave it on.”

“That goes double for you. I’m not the one that just spent a week in bed with a fever.” [Name] shrugs off the _haori_ and has it draped over Juushiro’s shoulders in one swift motion, despite their height difference. She reaches up to straighten out the article of clothing, tugging on the shoulder seams that fall about an inch off of his shoulders. Her wrist is enveloped in a pale hand before she’s spun around and finds herself facing a different direction. In their new position, [Name] is standing with her back flush against Juushiro’s front. He’s wrapped the _haori_ around the both of them as best he can.

“Compromise. We’ll go back to our rooms like this.” He rests his chin on her head and she sighs, giving in to her friend’s slightly more childish side.

Stuck together with Juushiro’s wiry arms around her waist, keeping her flush against him and under the _haori_ , they slowly make their way through the halls of Ugendo. In their positions neither of them can see the other’s face. It’s probably a good thing.

Juushiro is mentally kicking himself for pulling a bold move like this. His mind tells him to let her go but his arms wrap tighter around her waist. It’s for warmth, he tells himself.

Similar thoughts fly through [Name]’s head about the embrace. She tells herself that she shouldn’t be enjoying this, that she should step out of his hold and the _haori_ because it’s totally inappropriate. She’s a ward and he’s the son of a noble family. He’s the son of the family that was gracious enough to take her in. She remembers the sickly boy brought to the shrine all those years ago and is having a hard time wrapping her head around the fact that the strong arms around her now belong to that same boy. He was on death’s door back then, unable to lift his hand for more than a second. He was in a similar state just yesterday too. She should leave, but she finds herself leaning into Juushiro’s torso as they walk. She tells herself it’s to keep the warmth in the flimsy _haori_ they have wrapped around both of them.

Juushiro’s room comes up first and they stop at the door. Juushiro straightens, finally releasing [Name] from his embrace. She doesn’t have a chance to miss the warmth before the _haori_ is thrown over her shoulders. Juushiro straightens it out, a smile blooming on his lips as he notices how the shoulder-seams on the garment fall near [Name]’s elbows. He doesn’t fill in the garment perfectly either, but the difference in their shoulder spans is kind of cute.

There was a time when he was growing up that he had a huge inferiority complex due to his size. Nobody believed he was the oldest of the siblings. He was skinny, sickly, and frail-looking. He was the older brother in name only. His siblings rarely came to him for help with their homework. He couldn’t do anything to protect them when they were picked on and people actively discouraged him from trying. Daisuke got strong so that he could protect his siblings; brawn over brains for him. Eiji and Yosuke were good at making friends; their influence helped in getting would-be-terrorizers to leave the younger ones alone. Sousuke became their rock, a stoic child with a knack for people-watching and reading people. He was the one that would notice people’s comfort-levels or avoidance behaviors and find a way to gracefully deal with them. Sen became knowledgeable in literature and was their go-to for academic issues. Eiji was pretty sporty so he was the one that the young ones went to when they wanted to play. Whenever Juushiro tried to join in everyone made fuss if he started panting or looked a little flushed.

[Name] never made him feel inferior. She didn’t belittle him for walking her home and keeping her on the side closest to the wall. She wasn’t humoring him and ‘letting’ him be the knight in white-haired-armor protecting her from the ‘dangerous’ side of the road where people ran by. She genuinely enjoyed walking home with him. He didn’t have to prove that he was okay around her and she never fussed over him or treated him like he was sick unless he actually was sick. When she had homework troubles or wanted to practice _kido_ she went to him first while his siblings often told her off for disturbing his rest.

[Name] sees him as Juushiro, the boy that she befriended all those years ago when he and his family came to look for a shrine. She sees him as a person on his own, not one of eight siblings or ‘the sickly one’. [Name] never stopped to ask if he’d be okay doing an activity ‘because of the consumption’, she trusted his judgement of his own health. She didn’t make him a spectacle if he decided he’d rather sit out. She’d play a few rounds of tag—enough to get the others into it—and would come back to sit beside him and regale him with hints on how the others played. She’d tell him where they hid, how fast or long each could run, etc. They’d keep a commentary or make silly bets on who’d be the next one ‘it’. He wasn’t sick when he was around [Name], he was just ‘Juu- _chan_ ’.

“Keep it for tonight. You can return it to me another time.” He pushes a stray lock of hair behind her ear as he says this. “Goodnight, [Name].”

 

**Many decades later…**

Juushiro walks along the walled walkways of the Seireitei, on his way to Ugendo. He hasn’t had time to go home in a while and he’s looking forward to a day off at home. Feeding the carp, drinking tea on the veranda, maybe getting to spend some time with siblings if they’re home. If not then he’ll see if Shunsui is able to make it out for a few games of _ofuda_.

Walking home in the sunset is doing wonders to help him unwind from a busy week. It reminds him of his younger days, when he used to walk these same paths together with [Name] on the way home from the Academy. He remembers helping [Name] pick debris from her hair on a lot of those walks, hiding the evidence to prevent his mother from giving her a lecture on hair-care and being lady-like. Once in a while his mother would still end up finding a stray leaf or a bit of dried mud on one of her split ends and it would result in a two-hour lecture in the baths for [Name] that night.

            As he walks passed the doors to the bathing chambers, he detects a light floral scent. Someone recently took a bath. His heart flutters with a hope he dares not put into words. His hopes are dashed as a feminine figure steps out of one of the bedrooms.

            “Ah! Welcome home, Juu- _nii_.” Sen offers him a smile as she finishes pinning her hair up. She’s got an apron on and her sleeves tied up, ready to work. She bends over and picks up a basket full of linens. It’s laundry day, it seems. A patch of faded red on a grey backdrop hanging from the basket catches Juushiro’s attention.

            “Is that my _haori_? It’s fine. It doesn’t need to be cleaned.” Juushiro feels his heartrate increase as he sees the old garment in Sen’s hands. It doesn’t belong with the rest of the laundry—it belongs in his room, hanging on the back of his chair waiting for someone special to come home and slip into it. It’s a piece of the wish he has that he never puts to words.

            “I wasn’t going to clean it,” Sen’s tone is sharp and Juushiro’s blood runs cold. “Juu- _nii_ , it’s old. Some of the rags in the kitchen are holding up better than this old thing. You’ve got others—better ones.” Juushiro manages to take the precious article of clothing into his arms as his sister finishes her speech. With a sigh, Sen hoists the hamper of dirty clothes and starts walking. “Fine, but put it away when we have company. It wouldn’t do for the head of our clan to be seen wearing something so patchy.” Sen walks off with the basket of linens in tow.

            With the threat gone, Juushiro examines the salvaged _haori_ in his arms, smiling fondly as his fingers trace the various mis-matched patches and areas where the material was repaired over the years.

            The faded red patch near the bottom of the right sleeve came from when [Name] taught Hina how to throw knives one day. One of the knives caught the edge of the sleeve by accident. Hina patched it up with a small square off an old _yukata_ she didn’t wear anymore. A patterned, mint-green patch a few inches away from the red one came from [Name]. She and Juushiro were taking a midnight stroll around the grounds one night when the sleeve got caught on a stray branch. [Name] tore a patch from her handkerchief to patch up that tear. There are some small, oval-shaped stains dotting the hem. Those are from Hatori. He was a shy child then, rarely speaking. He had a habit of tugging on the clothing of someone he wanted attention from rather than calling out.

There’s a couple of rough spots along the collar where [Name] darned holes in the fabric over the years. It was a skill she set out to learn, all for the sake of this treasured _haori_. A large section of the once-uniform collar is replaced with a navy-blue strip. The original fabric got stained by blood from one of his sick spells and the blood didn’t wash out no matter how hard they tried. That stain upset [Name] the most out of all the others and she cut out and replaced the section of the collar at some point. [Name] was not the only one bothered by the stain. It was a constant reminder to Juushiro of his illness.

That wasn’t the first or last time the garment was stained. There are a few faded stains dotting the fabric, stubborn stains that refused to fade completely despite multiple washings. Paint from Hina’s younger days, stubborn make-up stains from many hurried visits home, discolorations from when the _haori_ was worn in the kitchens and got splattered by something oily. It wasn’t the blood stain that bothered the two of them so much as where it came from and what it signified. There’s still blood on the _haori_ , staining the edge of the left sleeve. This one they decided to leave to fade/wash-out on its own. It’s [Name]’s blood on the sleeve. It was the result of [Name] slipping and falling out of a tree during one of their many games of hide ‘n seek back when [Name] was still at the academy and was learning how to hide her spirit pressure.

It’s just a garment, but this _haori_ has been with them for years, draped across either one of their shoulders or both of them at the same time. It was in the room the night they got married; and it always comes out when [Name] comes back from missions. It’s comforting, representing warmth and love, and it serves as a physical representation of some of their best memories. All of those are good enough reason for the garment to stay. You wouldn’t throw out a well-seasoned officer just for getting old and looking out of place among the younger cadets; it’s the same for this _haori._ Countless stories are woven into the many threads of the garment. It has earned the right to stay and be cherished rather than treated as a rag or simply tossed out like so much trash. There is another very important reason why it must stay.

Juushiro’s eyes widen in surprise when he arrives at his room to find it a mess. Sen was in his room to grab the _haori_ , but it was hanging on the back of the low-chair he had tucked into the desk. She wouldn’t have had to fling open all of the drawers in the room as well as the doors to his closet. The covers on his _futon_ are a mess as well. Someone was looking for something and he knows Sen wouldn’t do this.

‘Someone’ is still looking for something if the shuffling from the depths of his closet is any indication. Before he can call out, a figure steps out of his closet. Their eyes are wide with fear, fear that recedes when those eyes take in the garment in Juushiro’s arms. Catching on to the thoughts of the deranged-looking person, Juushiro holds out the _haori_ and smiles at the woman staring at him. No, not at him, at the _haori_. He opens his arms and soon finds himself with a warm body pressed against him. He wraps the garment around her small shoulders and winds his arms around her waist, pulling her in closer and ensuring that she is bundled in the patchy, well-loved garment.

If anyone were to walk by now, they would see Juushiro hugging some unknown woman. It has happened before. It was how the rumor of Shunsui being a bad influence started. People saw women with different hair colors or clothing choices resting on Juushiro’s lap every few months and rumors began to spread. Even now there are some people that believe Juushiro is the true womanizer between him and Shunsui and that the brunette acts the way he does as compensation.

Those rumors are completely false. For centuries Juushiro has only ever had one woman in his arms and his heart. That one woman is the same regardless of how she wears her hair or what clothing she must don. It’s the same woman under all the putty, hair-dye, make-up, and fake-skin. Those rumors will continue to be false because it’s that woman in his arms right now.

“[Name], sweetie…you’re home…you’re here with me. It’s alright. Come back. You’re alright, [Name].” Juushiro whispers these reminders in her ear as he breaths in the scent of her hair—different from the light floral scent he walked by earlier. They’ll need to fix that at some point. His words are repetitive and short, but experience has taught him that her mind doesn’t process very well when she gets to this state.

[Name] doesn’t respond verbally. Her fingers tighten on his back and she buries her nose deeper into his chest. When he decides that [Name] is calm enough to be moved Juushiro carefully sweeps an arm under her knees, carrying her in a bridal hold as he goes to sit on his _futon._ He settles, cross-legged, with his wife resting in his lap, her head resting in the crook of his neck and an arm around his shoulders. He tugs the _haori_ into place, allowing her to burrow into the material. He feels some of the tension leave her muscles as he cards his fingers through her hair and continues to whisper assurances to her.

The important reason why this _haori_ stays is because it functions as a safety blanket and anchor for [Name] when she comes home from long missions. She was gone for almost seven years this time.

[Name] has made a name for herself in the _Onmitsukido_ over the decades. She’s trustworthy and has an amazing record of successful missions under her belt. Due to her skills in reading people and changing herself to fit the situation/circumstances, every couple of decades she is sent out on longer-term missions with huge stakes riding on them. Most of the time, these missions are covert operations and they take her away for years as she adopts a fake persona, a fabricated past, and an alias.

Juushiro knows the toll these missions extract from her. He’s seen and had to deal with the aftermath of these missions time and again. [Name] dissociates from reality when the mission is over. Her mind becomes confused, caught between answering to her alias and her real name; struggling to separate fact and fiction as she tries to return to being [Name] and not some hybrid of herself and her role. She needs time to get used to her real name again and the people that [Name] knew and had in her life as opposed to whomever she was playing for years for the sake of the mission. Sometimes she gets caught in the middle of a SNAFU while under-cover. Those memories haunt her, causing her to further dissociate from reality.

Juushiro has seen how hearing a name called out in the middle of a crowded street can cause [Name] to have flashbacks or doubt her present circumstances. Sometimes she forgets that this is all real and that she isn’t simply playing the part of the Lady of Ukitake. Sometimes she needs to be reminded that they got married for the right reasons before these covert missions were ever a thing. They chose to get married and they knew each other for years before signing the document. That’s one fact that Juushiro knows helps in bringing her back to reality. None of the ‘husbands’ she’s had for missions knew her as a child. They didn’t grow up together. They weren’t chosen, they were assigned. They never got to hold her and keep her anxieties at bay as they coached her through next steps in how to not psych herself out for a test or event at the academy.

Over the years and multiple missions Juushiro picked up on something. It didn’t happen after every mission, but sometimes, usually after a long-term covert mission, [Name] came back freaked out and having an identity crisis. Whenever that happened, she sought out two things: the _haori_ and Juushiro. It’s why he ensures that the _haori_ is in clear view in his room whenever [Name] leaves for a long mission, ready to welcome her home if he is not. There have been a few times he’s stumbled upon [Name] wrapped in the _haori_ acting very much like a startled kitten in his room. On those days he’d wrap her in the familiar article of clothing and ramble on about their memories as she slowly came back to reality.

Sometimes she doesn’t dissociate as much and is in a proper state of mind to seek out Juushiro first. That was how the rumors of him having a different girl on his arm got started, no doubt by his third-seats seeing what appeared to be a strange new lady napping on their captain’s lap every couple of months. On those days she can get away with feeling grounded by running her hand over the material of the _haori_ when she gets home. After a bad mission she’d come home resembling a panicked cat and actively seek out the _haori_ and everything it represented. It’s one of the few things that have been around from the beginning. It was there before they were dating, it was there when they got married, and it has always been here to welcome her home all these years. It never fails to calm her, even when their marriage certificate or the taste of her favorite _daifuku_ can’t do the job.

The effect of the _haori_ is why Juushiro does his best to keep his room and the house the same as it always was. All that really changes are the number of photos in frames. He doesn’t like moving the furniture around or replacing things because he knows [Name] needs familiarity to ground herself, for her mind to realize that she is home. If something must be replaced in the kitchen, Juushiro ensures that the staff do their darnedest to replace it with something that looks the same, either that or wait for the Lady of the house to be home to oversee the replacement. It’s not that Ugendo is stocked with way-out-of-date items, just that they try to wait for [Name] to replace items to ensure she can ground herself at home.

            Very few people are privy to the dissociative [Name]. Sen doesn’t know, the staff don’t know either. Shunsui may have seen [Name] in her dissociative state a few times, but he has yet to ask any difficult questions. He’s guided [Name] to Juushiro when he found her wandering Seireitei, disoriented and not knowing exactly who she was or where she was going. It’s a secret because of the questions that would arise if lots of people figured it out.

            “[Name]?” Juushiro calls out her name, hoping that she’s back in his arms now, not just physically. “Darling? What would you like for dinner?” Juushiro fishes for something to ask her, something to get her to speak to him and tell him whether or not she has stopped dissociating.

            “ _Tangyuan_.” Juushiro smiles when [Name] looks at him. Her eyes are focused on him. She sees him, not whichever stranger played the part of her partner on the long mission. She’s remembering something.

            “Darling, that’s a dessert. I asked what you’d like for dinner.” Juushiro can’t help but hold her tighter, overjoyed that his wife is back in his arms.

            “Hmmm…you…bath…then _tangyuan_.” [Name] murmurs these words as she pushes Juushiro down onto the _futon_.

            “I’m not dinner either!” Juushiro whines but he doesn’t try to push her away either.

**Author's Note:**

> -ohagi, mochi, daifuku, and tangyuan are real desserts/sweets and they’re quite good. My favorite on this list is daifuku filled with an/azuki paste, sweet red-bean paste. Tangyuan was something my mom made pretty often when I was a kid, so it’s got a special place in my heart. The actual tangyuan was store-bought though. If you manage to find some, I recommend black-sesame filled ones. And the ginger syrup broth was pretty versatile. Some days we’d have tangyuan in the broth and other days it’d be sweet potato. Sounds like an odd combination but it was pretty tasty. The sweet-broth alone was to die for. We didn’t use brown-sugar like some recipes I’ve seen online. The type of sugar we used for the ginger-broth were golden-colored and came in thin “bricks”.  
> -[Name]’s skill in sweets-making is actually me projecting. I tend to make sweets when I’m stressed (thank you, Youtube and the internet) and I’ve become a bit picky when it comes to ingredients. Not all things labeled ‘sugar’ are the same and some are better in some things than others. Example: cane sugar is my preferred sugar to put in coffee…after having it regular white sugar or brown sugar in coffee doesn’t taste as good to me. However, cane sugar doesn’t dissolve as well in cookies or puddings…so I go back to regular white sugar for those.  
> -according to the character-books, it’s canon that Juushiro likes ohagi. It’s kind of cute—both Juushiro and [Name]’s favorite sweets use an/azuki paste.  
> -I'm not sure how I feel about the ending, but I've re-written the flash-forward scene multiple times. I have a couple of documents that are rejected endings for this installment. I might re-purpose them at a later time.


End file.
